I’ve had the same dream ever since I was a child. It begins in the forest—with a moonless sky hanging somewhere above a canopy of trees that have seen entire lifespans of dragons pass by. The only light is from the crystals, their hues every color of the rainbow and their glow the only thing keeping the dangerous dark at bay. Their shine brings a wonder about the forest, the sort of wonder that captures little girls’ hearts and beckons them further and further in.
I was no different as a hatchling.
The allure draws me further into the woods until the Manor is gone from my sight. In my heart, I know that Mother and Father would be angry if they found out that I had slipped out of my bed. But with my crystal-collecting basket in one hand and an impressive wooden stick in the other, I feel invincible. After all, I am Amalia filia Solaris; second heiress to one of the most powerful dragon clans in all of Avalonnia. There is nothing to fear except the idea of tangling my horns in the thick of the branches and getting stuck.
The best crystals are easiest to find at night – this is a truth I have known since I could walk, since my parents had first taken me to the enchanted woods outside our manor’s walls. I had a small crystal collection-- my mother had even placed them into a fancy glass box. But always did my little heart want more.
I whack the base of tree trunks as I walk the trail I know so well, taking care to not get my pajamas dirty. Mother would have my tail if I added on to the laundry pile, even if it was the responsibility of one of our maids. The night sounds all around me are a calm symphony, a blend of crickets chirping, the humming of magic in the earth, and a soft breeze brushing through the branches. Light from the crystals flank either sides of my path-- gorgeous pinks, yellows, reds. They guide me, pulling me further into the depths of that ancient forest. I am a moth to a flame and there is nothing I can do to save myself from getting burned.
A few crystals are added to my basket, small trinkets that will go nicely with my collection. But then the wind shifts, colder suddenly with the scent of something foul upon it. It burns against my nostrils and my hunt is paused. My head lifts and I see in the distance between the trees where the night’s darkness has taken up an eerie red glow. The fell haze is yards away but I can tell it’s coming closer, closer. It pierces my heart with fear and I’m only left to turn and run.
But no matter how fast my little legs take me, the haze catches up. It always does. With it comes strange and horrifying sounds. Angry voices shout in the pitch black of the witching hour. They are answered by the roar of gunfire, and an unnatural wail chills me to the bone. I run until the roots of the forest tangle my legs, pulling me down to the leaf-strewn floor. My crystal-collecting basket spills onto the ground, the handle breaking. My hands grip small fistfuls of leaves, dirt, and twigs. The haze is everywhere, obscuring my sight. But I try to see through it as desperate tears well up in my eyes.
A dark figure cast its shadow over me as I pick myself up from the ground. In the clutches of dread, it is so hard to move. I reach for that stick from earlier, gripping its end like a sword’s hilt. A dragon of House Solaris knows no fear, I tell myself even though I’m shaking. I turn to face the gargantuan beast and I prepare to swing that stick as if my life depends on it.
But everything is a shadowed, blurred chaos that envelopes my tiny body. I cannot make any sense of it. The dark is there. It is around. It is within. It mutes all things. I fall into it and I find a void that is as all-consuming as a tempest.
"Child…” a voice amidst it all rumbles but it sounds so far away. “Sweet child…”
And, oh-so-faintly, there is a sliver of light in the dark.
------
The next day, we returned to the apartment and when I stepped up to my own porch, I felt a sense of shame stir in my chest. It seemed as though the cops were still not here but that did not mean we were in the clear. They could arrive at any moment to follow up with their investigation. It was a miracle a team had not been left here to keep tabs on the place to see if anyone came by. Maybe they were too short-staffed or something.
Alphonse checked a few wards he had left activated overnight, noting that nothing had been tripped. When we stepped inside, everything was much as it was before. That was a relief, of course, but the silence of the apartment staring back at me made my skin prickle. It was an uncanny feeling, a heaviness taking up residence in my heart. I knew that it was time to move on. It had been time to a long time ago. But yet I persisted here, trapped in that dismal limbo. Staying was comfortable, even in the throes of depression. There was comfort in what was known.
But even in my stubbornness, I knew it was wrong.
The tips of my shoes hit against the beer cans as I walked near the couch. They clinked and rolled away and my eyes followed them to their destination. A sigh wafted from my lips, followed by one of those instinctual cringes. I winced, rubbing at my forehead. What the hell was I doing anymore…?
Alphonse’s prying gaze was not inconspicuous, burning through the back of my head with curiosity. Again, I thought about going home to Avalonnia and for the first time, it seemed a tad bit more palatable. It occurred to me that even if I did try to ditch him and find another apartment to live in, it changed nothing in the end. Be it myth or fact, Avalonnia still needed someone (allegedly) and he would still continue to hound me until I said yes. And I knew that staying on Earth was dangerous, especially if someone really did want my head.
“So… what happened between you and that…” Alphonse started, stepping into the open kitchen and glancing into one of the cabinets. “… Group you were working with?”
A flash of fear struck through my chest, mixing in with the latent dread that had permeated my being for the last few weeks.
“Oh, just some… differences in perspective,” I replied vaguely.
It was the understatement of the century.
Alphonse squinted at me, “What was it you were doing again? Treasure hunting…?”
“Kinda.”
I waited for him to ask to see some of my trophies but he did not. He just stared at me, parsing my responses. Then he went, “Hmm.” And let the subject drop for the moment. Thank the Deity for that, I guess. There were things I was still not ready to talk about. I was not sure I would ever be ready to talk about them.
“Hm. I didn’t think to grab anything to pack your belongings into,” Alphonse continued.
I was too mentally tired to comment that I had technically agreed to nothing.
“Can I trust that if I leave you here, I will find you here when I return?” Alphonse lifted a brow, arms folded.
This was his indirect way of asking me what my decision was. As if I had a choice.
“Yeah.”
I said it casually, not feeling a single damn thing.
“You have my cell phone number still?”
“Yeah.”
“Text if you need something.”
“Got it.”
“The wards will be up and if they are activated, I will be notified.”
“Uh huh.”
“Start cleaning up. I will be back soon.”
He walked towards the door, pausing for a moment to look carefully at me. Was he trying to decide if I was lying or not? Or was he thinking about something else? I did not bother to ask. Alphonse left without saying another word, the door shutting behind him and trapping me inside in an apartment full of nothing but bad memories.
The quiet has a tendency to let thoughts in that are normally banished by noise and the presence of others. A few seconds ticked by, the echo of the front door closing long faded. My breath was sharp as I took in the sight of that dirty old apartment, wishing for a moment that I could just burn it all down and sit among the ashes. It was tempting but I forced my legs forward to the coat closet where I kept my meager cleaning supplies.
Throwing out trash is easy but only when you’re stressed. And I was plenty stressed that day. I began with a trash bag, picking up the stale pizza and beer cans as fast as I could. But no matter the effort, the thoughts roared to the front of my mind. There were so many things that I wished had gone so differently. It was like reading a book but the story stopped mid-chapter. So many threads that simply ended -- no closure, no satisfaction. It felt like a crime.
The bag fell from my hand, splashing a few bits of litter onto the ground.
It should have never been this way. But it was. And the silence of that apartment, heavy and bitter as it was, confirmed it. It had been confirming it every day. This was not the happy future I had strived for. This was no happy future at all. It was cursed, bitter, and cold.
Alphonse should not have been here because Alphonse should have been back at the Manor with Mom and Dad. There should not have been a need for new Guardians to return home because they should have already been there, alive and well. I should have been miles from here, with the crew I had come to love so much. Everyone should have been happy.
But that ideal world was never to be, it seemed.
Before I knew it, the tears had come. They trailed down either side of my face, splashing onto the dirty apartment floor. Their warmth held no comfort for the roaring ache in my chest.
Usually, this was the part where I broke down under the weight of it all. But fate decided to be kind for once. My phone buzzed, alerting that I had an incoming text message. I did not have to guess who it was when I pulled it out of my pocket. Alphonse was predictable like that.
Alphonse Ravaenu: Do we need big tubs for your things? I imagine so, right?
I sighed and I decided it would be best to give him a reply before he called. I did not want to sound sniffly on the phone.
Amalia Solaris: Probably wouldn’t hurt.
AR: I sent a missive back home. We will have help moving everything in. No disturbances, I trust?
AS: Nothing.
AR: Good
I put my phone back into my pocket, sighing. As inane as that question seemed, it at least served as enough of a distraction to halt another miserable mental breakdown. They had been a too-common occurrence lately.
A quick splash of cold water onto my face made me feel slightly better. There was nothing like the chill of tap water to remind you that, yeah, you had depression but life was still going on. There were still steps to take. Roads to walk. Life is not a storybook, after all. Time kept moving forward, even when you wanted to reach backwards towards those halcyon days. Before everything went to shit.
Picking up trash was not a thrilling task but I set about it with dread and bitterness in my chest. Each piece I snatched up was grabbed with bits of rage. I tossed them into the bag, aggressive and moody. The thoughts came back quicker than I wanted; not even a splash of cold water could keep them away for long but I decided to tolerate them for a bit. It was a miracle I noticed my phone buzzing when I did. It was Alphonse again—it had to be. When I pulled my phone out once more, I saw immediately I was right; he had left a cluster of texts.
AR: DO YOU WANT ORANGE-SCENTED CLEANING SUPPLIES? YOU’RE NOT ALLERGIC TO ORANGES ARE YOU?
AR: SORRY MY CAPSLOCK IS STUCK AND I CANNOT FIX IT
AR: HELLO?
AR: HELLO????
AR: DO NOT MAKE ME CALL YOU.
AR: AMALIA. PLEASE.
Even if he was a nag, I could not help but chuckle at him.
AS: Stop yelling at me, jfc Captain Capslock
AR: I TOLD YOU IT’S STUCK. DO NOT CALL ME THAT.
AS: ‘I ToLd YOu iT’s STUck’, sure thing, Cap
AR: STOP MOCKING ME. DO YOU WANT ORANGE-SCENTED OR NOT.
AS: sure
AR: OK
AS: Thanks Cap! :D
AR: do not smile at me also look, I fixed it
AS: : )
AR: stop that
AS: no : )
AR: ……..
I laughed. It was a good medicine for the moment, a cathartic feeling even if the sound of my laughter was a harsh noise. Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I continued about my task with a tiny bit more enthusiasm than before. Parts of me were starting to accept what was happening. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing just yet, my emotions were still too frazzled to dissect thoroughly. But movement felt nice after stagnation and I decided to ride that wave. Was this likely a good idea? I could not have said either way. My gut instinct was to say it was not. But I was tired. I was sad. And I was angry.
Some people make impulse purchases when they’re in a vulnerable state.
I somehow found myself possibly committed to guardianship over a dead god’s body.
Life is just weird sometimes.
A knock came at the door and I went up to the peep hole to see if it was Alphonse. He stood there with a series of tubs stacked in his arms, towering so high that I could not at first see his face. I let him in and he set them all down, dusting his pants off and rolling back his sleeves ever so slightly.
“Before you begin,” I started, crossing my arms over my chest. “I just want to say that I don’t want this. At all. But I’m agreeing to it out of practicality.”
Alphonse’s sky blue eyes studied me silently. I could tell he was chewing on some thoughts and his lack of a reply did unnerve me slightly. But I guess I should not have expected any words of comfort or console from him. He had been at wit’s end trying to get me to agree to this for a year at the least.
“If there’s some group hunting me, I’d rather not deal with them alone,” I continued sternly. “Returning home is at least a good step towards getting away from them. I still don’t believe Avalonnia needs anyone though. And I want you to know that.”
“Noted,” Alphonse responded shortly. “And I am well aware that you do not want to come home. But…”
He opened his mouth to say something but I could tell he was debating over it. The arcane dragon gave a frown, a sigh, then shook his head.
“… I think you’ll find it not so bad when you return.”
That was an extremely optimistic viewpoint from him.
“We will see. Just know that I am not committing to anything yet. The first step is to get somewhere safer than here. The next… I’ll decide after,” I said sharply, even though I knew in my heart that was a lie.
I did not want to commit to being a guardian to some old heap of rocks in the woods. But I knew where this was going. I knew myself better than that. Even if I dug my heels in, even if I did try to say that the legends were fake, at the end of the day, I was a divine dragon. At the end of the day, my nature was my nature. I could not turn down people that needed me. Not even if I wanted with all my heart to be selfish. Not even if it condemned me to a life of servitude. I would do it. Even if I hated it.
“We can talk more at the Manor,” Alphonse nodded and our sort-of truce was forged. “A few spells should suffice to pack all your things. Just give me a moment and—”
A knock on the door cut him off and I felt my stomach twist into a knot.
“Why does this always seem to happen?” I complained softly as Alphonse moved towards the door. He dismissed his draconic traits as he grabbed the handle, peering through the peep hole cautiously. I, too, dismissed my dragon features, knowing that the likelihood of our new guest being another delivery pixie was not terribly high.
When Alphonse saw who it was, he let a slight growl emit from his throat in frustration.
“Don’t tell me it’s the hunters again,” I whispered.
“No,” Alphonse replied, looking back at me. “It’s the police.”
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