“Oh! Today’s the day!” Amalia realized, rubbing her eyes. “It’s the day of the Fortnite competition!”
As she jumped out of bed and ran to brush her teeth, the dragon eagerly thought to herself about how excited she was to get to meet all the cool superstars like Goku, Solid Snake, Naruto, Gojo, and Darth Vader. They were SO SUGOI POG CRAZY AWESOME!!!! She was SO lucky that she had kinda maybe convinced the Fortnite devs to let her play the game by holding their families hostage (in Minecraft) with the threat of a hearty smite if they refused her! But it was such a shame that they had FORCED her to play duos… which meant she had needed SOMEONE to be her partner…
That was where the nyanest of Nyan Neko Sugar Girls came in.
Amalia’s enemy.
Amalia’s friend.
Raku-chan.
One time, Raku-chan had broken into Amalia’s manor and had thrown her over the fence. She had called her a lizard. Amalia never forgot that, despite Amalia’s tendency to forget everything else in life. But secretly, Amalia was impressed by Raku-chan’s supernatural ability to break through the confines of early 2000s Youtube in order to make it into reality. So Amalia had recruited Raku-chan, thinking she would be puuuuurrfect for a partner in Duos.
Raku-chan arrived at the Battle Bus stop right as the bus drove up, toast in her mouth and boobies boobying so breastily that Amalia was certain the catgirl was going to knock herself out. But amazingly, she did not and the two quickly boarded the bus, making their way to the back.
“Ohayou~” Raku-chan greeted Amalia between mogu mogus and nyaas, eating her toast.
“Hi,” Amalia replied. “Ready for today, Raku-chan?”
“Raku-chan doesn’t like fighting, nyaaa, it breaks Raku-chan’s kokoro–”
“You threw my ass over a fence, Raku-chan.”
“A– Ama-chan, are you still upset about that, nyaaa? Doushite? Aren’t we good tomodachi now?” Raku-chan asked with a sniffle.
Amalia contemplated how maybe she would have had better luck with Mr. Squeakers for a duo partner but she quickly tossed that thought aside. They were already boarded and the Battle Bus was taking off. There was no turning back now.
As they waited, Amalia looked around at the other passengers. There were so many cool people here! She could see Groot, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Alan Wake, and Spider-Man had all boarded. They looked SO cool but because Amalia is a nervous lil guy, she sat in the corner with Raku-chan. Her heart beat nervously. It had ALWAYS been Amalia’s dream to be a SUPER COOL EPIC GAMER THAT GOT ALL THE MAIDENS but sadly after a ton of consecutive losses in the cursed land known as Splatoon 3’s Ranked Matches, she had given up on it… but only momentarily. Then she had remembered Fortnite. And after some crimes, here they were.
But as she looked around the bus, she spotted two unfamiliar faces. The first one was a dark-haired man, his head trapped in a tall cage. The second was a frowning man with a bushy white mustache and a longcoat.
“Raku-chan, who are those two there?” Amalia asked, not recognizing the strange men.
“That’s Micolash-san and Revolver Ocelot-san, nyaaaa!” Raku-chan whispered. “They’re so kowai desu ne.”
Revolver Ocelot’s eyes locked with Amalia’s and she felt the emotional agony of a bitter old man deleting 3-4 hours of her Metal Gear Solid save file.
“Ah geez, I hope they aren’t too hard to beat…” Amalia whispered back to Raku-chan.
The Battle Bus carried on into the sky but soon it was time for the passengers to start jumping off. As they readied their gliders, Amalia tapped Raku-chan on the shoulder.
“Remember our plan?”
“Give them rabies?”
“No, Raku-chan… we lay low and third party. Like true toxic gamers. Remember to look up too every now and then.”
“But Amalia-chan, didn’t you tell me that gamers never look up nyaaaa?”
“Today, we’re transcending gamerhood. We’re becoming Fortnite legends, Raku-chan.”
“Sou desu ne.”
As they stood at the door leading off the bus, the two of them peered eagerly down at the battle map below. Amalia honestly had no idea where to drop because usually she avoid all types of responsibility and had others make decisions for her. However, she soon spied Reckless Railways and thought to herself: “Trains… trains are cool. Let’s go to the place with trains.”
“Ready, Raku-chan?”
“Let’s go, Amalia-chan! Let’s win the game and become… Fortnite Legends!”
With hopes in their kokoros, the two leapt from the Battle Bus. Yet immediately, Amalia noticed that they were not alone; many had taken that fated leap from the bus, seemingly with the intent to drop on Reckless Railways.
Ah shit. Here we go.
They descended, pulling their gliders out and soaring to the rooftop of one of the buildings. Amalia could already hear the fighting. She ducked into one of the houses, hoping Raku-chan was hot on her heels like a GOOD and PROPER teammate (aka- one who does not leave you behind COUGH COUGH you know who you are). Amalia found a sniper rifle, frowning at it. Sniping was definitely not her strongest suit but it was better than nothing.
“Raku-chan, have you found anything?”
Silence.
“Raku-chan…?”
Suddenly, Amalia realized her friend was nowhere to be seen! She gasped dramatically, surprised at this turn of events. What if Raku-chan had betrayed her…? What if this had all been a conspiracy to steal the Manor from her!?
And then even more suddenly, there were footsteps! Amalia prepped the sniper rifle, holding her breath. She hoped it was Raku-chan coming up those stairs…
Her hopes were quickly dashed, however, when suddenly… it was Lady Gaga!
“Oh no,” Amalia, a millennial who had gone through high school during the height of Lady Gaga’s explosive career, said in fear. “I’m gonna have Love Game stuck in my head for the next month.”
She fired the sniper rifle as Lady Gaga charged with her pickaxe!
But because Amalia should never play sniper ever in any video game ever, the shot missed. Even point blank. A true irl nat 1 moment.
“LET’S HAVE SOME FUN, THIS BEAT IS SICK-” Lady Gaga screeched as she whacked at Amalia.
Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it–
“I wanna take a ride on your disco stick–” Amalia wailed as she frantically dodged the pickaxe swings. Where was Raku-chan when she needed her…!?
The answer was… right behind Lady Gaga!
POP POP, KAPOW!
Suddenly, Lady Gaga exploded in a bunch of loot (and by that, I mean she dropped some like fish and some tomatoes, and other stuff that wasn’t too helpful). Raku-chan stood behind her with a triumphant smile, holding a shotgun.
“Yatta! I did it, Amalia-chan, nyaaa!”
“You… you did…” Amalia said in awe. “Where did you get…?”
“I killed Han Solo for it, nyaaa. You like the SMG, right?”
“Y-yeah…”
“Here you go!”
Raku-chan tossed Amalia the gun and the dragon stared at the gun incredulously. How could she have ever doubted Raku-chan? Maybe the bad blood was better left behind them… maybe that shy little dragon could make a true friend out of Raku-chan? A true, good tomodachi… their tomodachi-ship so powerful that it could in fact carry them to a Victory Royale…
“Thanks,” Amalia said, smiling earnestly at Raku-chan. “You saved me!”
Raku-chan laughed. She laughed for a long time, actually. Like an uncomfortably long amount of time. And really for no apparent reason. But for some reason, Amalia laughed too. Probably because Amalia is naturally a nervous and awkward person that tries to fit into social situations the best she can. :(
The duo continued forward, ducking for cover as fire erupted across the battlefield. Raku-chan and Amalia found a small shed to hide in, filling up their ammo.
“Hee hee, they must be dropping like flies out there, nyaaa~,” Raku-chan said. “Look, there’s only 20 people left. That means just 10 teams!”
“What? How do you know that?”
“You’re so silly, Amalia-chan! Nyaaaa, just check your UI!”
“My… what?”
“Your User Interface!”
Amalia stared. What the fuck is a User Interface? Why did she make it sound like they were in a video game? Surely that couldn’t be right. They were in the real world. The real Fortnite world. It was all real, right…? Right…? Right……..?
“Let’s go korosu people!” Raku-chan carried on, a little too gleefully.
And so they did just that. This is not an attempt from Amalia the Writer to make this fanfic shorter by adding a random montage, oh no. I would never do that.
Anyways, Raku-chan and Amalia tore it the fuck up with their guns. They shot down a few guys and did some running around from the storm. You know. Typical Fortnite things. And then suddenly, it was down to two teams left…
Amalia and Raku-chan found themselves squaring off against the final duo– Revolver Ocelot and Micolash. The storm nipped ferociously at their heels, crackling with purple Mountain Dew power! They stood in the center of Loot Lake’s island, knowing that everything was on the line. Revolver began to twirl his pistol, a hard look in his eyes. Micolash cackled evilly.
“You will never beat us! We are an unstoppable duo!” Micolash boldly declared. “You may as well give in to your doom, you forgotten old Youtube poop and uh… uh… whatever niche micro celebrity you are over there!”
“Wow,” Amalia said then, dramatically, put a hand over her heart. “We might not have as much internet clout as you but we have something you’ll never have!”
“And what’s that?” Micolash sneered.
“Companionship!” Amalia shouted.
Revolver’s twirling came to a halt. His eyes darted to Micolash, who looked beyond confused. Though a set of gnarly bars encased Micolash’s head, Amalia could see the gears turning in his sunken in, depressed eyes.
“What do you mean…!?” demanded Micolash.
“I used to doubt Raku-chan! I thought she was cruel because she threw me over a fence and called me a lizard one time! But then she saved my life and through that horribly traumatizing event, we’ve come to an understanding… I wonder… do you really understand Revolver Ocelot? Is he REALLY your partner on the battlefield?” Amalia said dramatically.
“What…” Micolash fumbled, losing his cool and maniacal composure. He looked at Revolver Ocelot, who stared back at him openly.
“The dragon is right,” Revolver Ocelot said. “We don’t know each other… but we could.”
“Revolver Ocelot… what do you mean?” Micolash said, looking taken aback.
“Don’t lie to me,” Ocelot replied. “I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at my lips from behind that cage…”
“Ah… Revolver Ocelot…” Micolash stuttered, a warm hue taking to his otherwise deathly pale cheeks. “I was hoping you hadn’t noticed…”
“Not much gets past these eyes,” Revolver Ocelot said, the smallest of smirks under his bushy gray mustache. “I was wondering when you were gonna face me…”
Slowly, Revolver Ocelot took the cage off of Micolash’s head, their eyes never leaving each other. The cage fell to the ground with a clatter. And then Revolver Ocelot's hands were upon Micolash’s face with an uncharacteristic tenderness. His thumbs caressed against Micolash’s cheeks, each stroke a thoughtful love song to his Fortnite partner. Micolash’s breath hitched then shuddered out, eyes widening. He was touch-starved and his knees began to tremble. A whimper drifted from his lips. Revolver Ocelot leaned in, the hairs of his mustache tickling against Micolash’s face.
And then their tongues jousted or whatever the fuck it is that fanfic writers always say about people when they make out. They rolled about the battlefield, lips locked and with Micolash’s moans sounding more fervent than ever before.
“What the fuck did I cause?” Amalia whispered aloud. “This is not what I meant by ‘companionship’...”
“Nyaaaa, Amalia-chan… are they… in love…?” Raku-chan asked, ears perked.
“Something like that,” Amalia said then gunned the two lovers down with her SMG.
As the bells of triumph rang out into the air, Raku-chan shouted gleefully.
“Nyaaaa! We got a Number One Victory Royale, yeah Fortnite, we ‘bout to get down!” Raku-chan exclaimed. “Come on, Amalia-chan, nyaaaa, sing the next part!”
“Get down!” Amalia said tiredly.
“Ten kills on the board right now, just wiped out Tomato Town!” Raku-chan continued. “Ohhh Amalia, I think that was so much fun! You’re so kawaii desu ne and a great tomodachi! I wish we could play Fortnite every day!”
“Yeah…” Amalia smiled weakly at Raku-chan. “Maybe someday, we can play again together!”
Raku-chan’s eyes grew big in wonder and excitement. “I would love that so so much!”
So, after a grueling match and being saved by deus ex machina old man yaoi, the duo headed home to retrieve their prize. And then Raku-chan tried to take over Amalia’s office again so Amalia smited her in the face.
The end.
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